It's Important To Know Your Genres

One thing I can’t stand about a lot of gamers is their inability to ‘critique’ games within the context of their genre. In a medium that has a large portion of its consumer base passionately indulging in self-proclaimed truths, assumptions of game design rooted in farcical dogma, and an overbearing sense of self-entitlement, you’d think that, at the very least, these people would be able to differentiate a third-person-shooter, a sandbox, and the conventions between them.

Truth be told I spend a lot some of my time browsing user forums because I have no life for the sake of research. It’s always good to touch base with gaming communities to understand the mindset of your fellow consumers; they’re the ones that ultimately decide which franchises will continue to thrive and those that will be left to wither and die, at least in most cases. Remember kids; nothing speaks to a corporation more than your wallet – so before you exert any misplaced rage on a company for releasing Gears of Halo Theft Auto V: stop, evaluate your library of games, and then reconsider your spending habits accordingly.

But back to the nitty gritty – many a time you’ll notice people complaining about aspects of a game that really shouldn’t hold much weight in judging its overall merit. Let’s look at, say, modern Japanese action games, or ‘hack and slashers’ if you will. Here’s a short list to give you an idea of the titles I’m talking about:

There are minor differences between these five titles – some are more linear, some are a bit more open-ended in terms of exploration (though not by much, I assure you) – but they all share the same significant qualities: ludicrous story, shallow protagonist, high-octane action, inhumane standards of finesse and (optional) brutal difficulties. Once you take a step back and notice that pretty much all of the games in this respective genre share this list of attributes (go figures, right?), nagging about any of them is not a constructive critique by any means, it’s simply expressing your distaste for the things that are expected from them in the first place.

So no, a breakdown of MGR:R’s story and how it’s unfathomable from start to finish isn’t a reasonable endeavor in showing its faults, it’s a whine. Why? Because who cares about the fucking story? It wasn’t a selling point from the get-go, what matters is how awesome it is to effortlessly chop a dude to bits because you’re a FREAKING CYBORG NINJA. The same goes for the other games I’ve mentioned as well; it’s not about the story, it’s about playing as a character that’s a total badass, doing badass shit, like taking out a battalion of mutant freaks with nothing but your machismo (or boobies if you’re a lady) and cheap one-liners.

Am I saying that you’re not allowed to have your own preferences in games? Of course not, this is an industry in which success is based largely on subjective criteria, but we’ve reached a point where there are solidified genres that hold certain characteristics – bitching about linearity in DMC or the absurd girth of Jack Cayman’s neck is equivalent to fussing about the family friendly appeal in Mario; it’s pointless. and makes you sound like a whiny prick.

Slice! Chop! A Talking Mechanical Dog!? Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, Baby!

HEY!

Are you looking for a game with EXTREME visceral combat, AND you’re a freaking CYBORG NINJA!?

Well look no further, ‘cause

Metal GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE

is the game for you!

A spin-off of the classic series Metal Gear, Revengeance takes a new route in the franchise. Yes sir, this is a full-on, no-holds-barred action game with plenty of twists and turns to keep you simultaneously engrossed yet befuddled by the profound interactions and events the explosions happening around you.

Wait, did I mention EXTREME VISCERAL COMBAT!?

Well in case you think your eyes are deceiving you, yes, I DID.

See that guy over there? Yeah, him. Guess what? He’s not that swell of a guy. He did some things with child brains or…something. Who cares? Freakin’ SLICE HIM UP, DUDE! Yeah, just like that. Guess what else? You can slice him up ANY WAY YOU WANT!  Just hold left trigger and GO BANANAS.

AMAZING!

Oh? You thought this would be a CAKEWALK!? Pft hah, dream on sucker. You can only hold left trigger for so long before you run out of juice. Oh, and it’s called Blade Mode. Hmmm? You wanna slice n’ dice your enemies into cubed meat ALL the time? Well, okay, but I have to make it interesting.

To REGAIN YOUR JUICE, all you gotta do is CUT OUT THEIR SPINAL CORDS, BRO! They’re filled with delicious and nutritious fluids, not quite sure why though. Honestly I only found out because of my cannibalistic tendencies.

wait what

…oh

ANYWAYS, pretty sweet, right? Alllriiight. But I can’t forget to mention this oooonnneee teeny tiny thing that you may have an issue with.

You uh…sorta kinda can’t block, I guess? But you can do this SUPER COOL parry thing that works roughly 70% of the time.  It’s no biggie, I swear. Just wait until you get surrounded, it works perfectly bro, I’m telling you.

But yeah, that’s pretty much the run-down dude. Get out there and buy yourself a copy, you won’t regret it.

 And in case you’ve forgotten;

AMAZING!

VISCERAL!

BANANAS!

Soul Calibur II HD Online - But why though?

With the growth of technology, it comes to no surprise that downloadable titles have thrived and become a common convenience in gaming. This convenience is not exclusive to new releases either - many gems from the past have resurfaced as ports with high definition makeovers, and Soul Calibur II HD Online is one of the newer contenders to appear amongst this wave of nostalgia cash-ins.  As the name suggests, this is not a cut-and-paste port; full online capabilities have been added to this classic weapon-based fighter. However one question remains important; has this fan-favorite title been able to transcend history and the world (lol)?

SoulCal II’s home console release was back in 2003, and HD Online leaves all game play elements untouched; it’s still the same fast-paced, gratifying clasher that takes minutes to learn, but a lifetime to master. Those who may have felt underwhelmed by SoulCal V’s cast of newcomers will find the return of all the original classics refreshing, though don’t expect Link to be making a come-back with them; Heihachi and Spawn are the only guests over-staying their welcome in Project Soul's not-so-humble abode. A slight disappointment for some, yes, but the cast is already well rounded enough to hold its own, and we don’t need Link competing with Raphael for ‘Game’s Cheapest Bastard’.

With the release of HD Online, it proves one surefire thing: the game has aged well, just not as well as one might think. The mechanics are still responsive and conducive to swordplay, but if you’ve been a die-hard fan for the past decade you’ll notice all of the nuances that have been fixed over the years resurfacing like unwanted blemishes. I’m sure you don’t want to be bored to tears with info that only crazy people (like myself) care about, so either take my word for it or find out for yourself; just know that a guard-impacting spam fest isn't fun, it's a war of attrition.

The most important (and only) addition to HD Online is of course, its Online Mode. However, this portion of the game is bare bones and with it you realize how easy it is to sucker people of their money with familiar faces. Online consists of one-on-one Ranked and Player Matches with very little options within them. In SoulCal V, the series’ most recent iteration, there are player lobbies where you can chat and watch others play, view your opponents’ profiles, and keep track of a (arbitrarily) great variety of stats. However, none of that is incorporated in HD Online. The Replay Theater is absent as well, which is important not only for players to watch their competition, but to have an archive of their own fights to study and learn from. It just strikes one as odd that a game with a great selection of offline modes (Team Battle, Survival, Extra Modes, Weapon Master) to not include an equally abundant amount for online play as well.

Another issue with online is the inability to skip character introduction and victory sequences during battles; this interrupts the pace of a fight and it’s frustrating when you lose a round and want to jump right back into the action, but the game is too busy rubbing your loss in your face. Online fights are also troubled with lag despite using its optimized search settings for opponents; meeting another player with four bars of connectivity does not guarantee lag-free play. Freezes and disconnects also occur more often times than not.

SoulCal II HD Online is one thing; fan service, though it’s not satisfying in that regard. This ten-year-old beast still has plenty of fight left in it, but only offline; the poor execution of its online mode will leave a sour taste in your mouth, and the rose-tinted glasses certainly won’t make it - or you - look any better for buying it. 

CoD: Ghosts & South Park: TSOT - Both give me headaches.

There’s something about turn-based strategy that I really like. It’s probably because whenever I do sit down and play a game that utilizes it, it’s a breath of fresh air; a lot of games nowadays try to pack as much action into an eight hour campaign as possible with little to none actually involving the player, and by God, Call of Duty is the worst culprit. Yes, I’ve been playing CoD: Ghosts’ multiplayer since Christmas but only recently have I tried the single-player campaign because frankly, I can only handle a barrage of explosions with a paper-thin plot from a Cold War vet’s fever dream so many times before a mind-numbing hatred of the U.S. sets in.

Nonetheless I decided to give Ghosts a shot this time around only to be disappointed yet again because CoD is doing the same nonsense it did with Black Ops; come up with a title that’ll lead you to believe we’re actually trying something new but prove the exact opposite at the very beginning of the game. At what point does one doubt the covert ability of a paramilitary group called ‘Ghosts’? Is it when their first course of action is to blow up a truck and run in guns blazing? Or is it when they call a helicopter to a LZ so hot it feels like Jessica Alba in the middle of August? But I digress.

As I’ve said before the video games industry has a plethora of half-assed action games so I’m glad that despite the massive risk it took, South Park: The Stick of Truth is a TBS title that’s enticing enough to see it all the way through, but I cannot stress more than I will now that the IP in question is certainly not the reason why the game is good; much more credit is due to Obsidian Entertainment for managing to create an addictive turn-based system and interactive environment that contrasts the constant face-palming from all the insipid humor that is South Park. The thing about it is, it’s not a show you watch for laughs, it’s a show you watch to see how low it’s willing to set the bar in taking the piss, and TSOT takes enough piss to arouse questionable R&B singers and drive Bear Grylls absolutely mad.

To give you a partial idea of how much piss taking unfolds in TSOT, here’s the rundown; you are the new kid in South Park and you make acquaintance with all of its denizens through live-action role play. Yes, LARPing. As you and a few LARPies (mostly Butters and Kenny) finish up your first day of fantasy and adventure, you lay your over-sized afro to rest (if you’re like me and chose to make the kid as negro as possible) and find yourself being anally probed by aliens not much later. You then proceed to fight your way through the ship in an attempt to escape, cause a crash-landing, and a mysterious green goo oozes from its cargo and into the sewer system that causes an outbreak of…Nazi zombies that chant in audio clips from Hitler rallies.

I cannot make this shit up.

As the game continues the writers constantly point reference at themselves and the things they’re mocking as if to say “Oooh aren’t we a bunch of cheeky bastards! Teehee!” It’s the kind of dry, blatantly tasteless humor that appeals to people that like to sniff glue and laugh at all things Jewish. Not for any particular reason, just because it’s Jewish.

I'll give you one guess as to what's going on here. 

The actual game is quite well designed, using concepts similar to Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga. There’s a fantastic musical score and attacks require you get into a rhythm of button presses that make beating 4th grade children to a bloody pulp with a dildo all the more fun. Weapons, items and upgrades are also well varied to keep you interested and encourage new tactics, though remain fair because you’re never in a situation you can’t handle; if you ever find yourself dying a lot at a particular instance, you’re doing something wrong.

To be honest, TSOT had me in a sort of trance where I felt absolute gaming bliss yet I’d occasionally want to bash my own teeth in with a hammer because the boss I just fought was Khloe Kardashian’s giant Nazi zombie fetus.

Not even kidding.

Needless to say at this point but I’m not a fan of South Park, though I’m sure my two cents isn’t going to stop people from playing TSOT, bugging out and writing a twelve page thesis on why it's the perfect example of everything humorous, that it’s the epitome of  ‘social commentary’ and the success of this title is only further proof of it.  

...Then again, those people like to fling their poo at things and think that Canada is a monarchy, so why should I care?